Living Life

It’s been…half a year

since I blogged

since I tinkered on this website

since I worked on my book. 

 

It’s been half a year

Of deep deep depression

Of fear, regret, shame, and pain

All swallowing me whole

Leaving nothing behind.

 

It’s been… more than a year

That I’ve struggled with

Death being a near thought

A possible wish

A fearful inevitability

 

Suicidal ideation infiltrating

My marriage, my travels

My work, gripping me hostage

Pushing me to get help

Paralyzing me

 

In reality, it’s been…a lifetime

Of traumatic events

Conflicting memories

Painful moments

Lost opportunities

 

All piling one upon the other

Haphazardly, dangerously,

Vying for attention

Fighting for preeminence

Shaping thoughts and core beliefs

Of myself and the world

 

Out of all the things that could have killed me

My divorce and losing everything

Is finally what did it

What caused me to unravel

What made me give up

 

I have been wasted.

Devastated. Destroyed.

Demoralized. Defeated.

 

I crumpled and tried to erase

Myself

It was the only thing I still could control

So I did.

I was ready to die.

I wanted to die.

 

I had nothing left to offer anyone

And everyone was truly better off without me

Being a burden, a leech, a mistake, a reminder

Of everything that could go wrong with a person

 

Self-loathing and despair

Can absolutely overwhelm and overtake

A person.

There is no logic to reshape it

No reasoning to adjust it

No muscle or will that can pull you out of it.

You no longer think or feel rationally.

It consumes every waking breath.

 

You know what I mean

If you too have had these

Glitches in your makeup

These moments of lostness

 

I fought so hard to stay alive

Until I couldn’t fight anymore

You can only take so much.

And I had more than my fair share

More than enough

More than I could bear

 

Do not hate me,

Judge me,

Be disappointed in me

For quietly just giving up

For giving in

To the darkness.

You don’t know until

You’ve been here too.

 

How to explain

To my loved ones who

I love so much?

What is there to say

About a person who

Tries to leave life?

 

I am sorry for being selfish.

I am sorry for giving up.

I am sorry that I am not

Strong enough to love you

More than myself.

 

It’s been… two and a half months

Since I exited life. Or tried to.

Since my mother sent people to intervene

Since the hospital confined me.

 

It’s been two and a half months

Of full-time therapy and new meds

Of nothing changing around me

(my circumstances being the same!)

 

But I have changed.

Am changing.

I am working on living

 

Of being a more active

Participant in my own life

Of learning to love me too

In addition to you.

One day at a time.