I have another cognitive distortion for you that really does a doozy on me that I know wrecks havoc with others, too.
It’s called personalization.
We talked about “Should Statements” earlier, which is also a cognitive distortion, which you can find here. I have also written a short series on other cognitive distortions, which you can find here, here, and here.
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Cognitive Distortions is the term we use for thinking patterns that we apply to ourselves, others, and the world around us. These thinking patterns tend to be inaccurate, biased, exaggerated ways of thinking. They are often not all the way truthful or accurate, and cognitive distortions can lead to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and other mental health issues. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (“CBT”), which is used widely by therapists, often focuses on helping patients reshape the way they think – helping them to break the cycle of cognitive distortions.
And….so?
Personalization is one of these cognitive distortions.
Personalization is literally when you just take things personally, even when you shouldn’t. Personalization goes a bit farther and not only takes things personally, but takes responsibility for things outside of your control. It’s when you attribute all of the blame to yourself. Dr. Andreas Zorbas defines it as a “misplaced sense of responsibility” that we project on ourselves or maybe others.
What does personalization look like?
Let’s say your spouse is in a bad mood, and you don’t know why. Personalization assumes, “It’s my fault he/she is upset.” In reality, there might be a plethora of reasons your spouse is upset…maybe they had a bad day at work, maybe their arthritis is flaring up again, maybe they’re worried about their ailing mother, etc.
Let’s say you walk into class a little bit late and everyone seems to go quiet and stare at you. You think to yourself, “They must think I’m an idiot.” Or “they must all be laughing at the way that I look.” It could be that you are imagining they are all looking at you, when in reality they aren’t. The professor might have said something profound right before you walked in and everyone was mulling over what he/she said. Realistically, there could be all kinds of reasons that the class was silent when you walked in.
The point is that personalization makes us think everything is about us. And usually not in a nice way.
My Yesterday
Can you identify all the ways I utilized personalization?
7-11 am This is the time I set aside to make coffee, write, and check emails. I’ve recently applied to a part-time job and am anticipating a response email, but it still hasn’t arrived. I think, “It was a waste of time to apply. They obviously don’t want someone like me. I don’t have what they’re looking for, and they’ve probably already picked someone else instead.”
11 am Go to the Gym. I have to walk through a bunch of guys in order to reach the machine I want to use, and I feel like they are all staring at me. I assume they’re staring at me. I think, “They must be thinking that I need to be in here, I’m so fat. Or they’re laughing at me for looking frumpy.” I cringe and try to be invisible as I walk past.
12:30 pm Eat lunch and check/respond to texts. I notice my good friend hasn’t texted me in a while, even though she said she would. I am worried she doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore. That she’s finally decided that I am too much headache and too much hassle.
1 pm I receive a text from my ex-husband regarding the sale of the house, or some assets that are being transferred over, or a bill that needs to be paid. This past year has been torturous as I’ve navigated a divorce that I never wanted, and any kind of contact with him continues to send me into a tailspin. I indulge thoughts that I’ve thought many times this year…”It’s my fault my family disintegrated. I’m the reason we’re divorced.”
1:30-6 pm This is time I set aside to work on a plethora of projects that I’m trying to monetize. An insidious thought keeps on popping in my head: “No one wants what I have to offer. What am I kidding myself for?”
7 pm Sit down for dinner, which I’ve cooked for my friend. He is grumpy, and he doesn’t eat much. I automatically think, “Oh god, he hated the food again. He is probably thinking I didn’t clean up enough today, too.”
For the rest of the evening, I tend to read and get lost in whatever world that book provides, so no more personalization for me, thank God.
The Effects
I’m re-reading what I just wrote and I’m thinking, “Oh my God, I’m worse than I even thought!” It’s really embarrassing. For your sake, I hope you aren’t struggling as much as I am with this. Even though I had six months of intense full-time therapy last year and even though my self-esteem is much better these days, yesterday was a particularly rough day for me.
How do you think I feel after a day like this?
- My self-esteem is in the dumps, and takes another hit every time I personalize something.
- My anxiety is sky high trying to make my friend happy (the one I make dinner for and keep house for).
- There is no sign of self-compassion or self-love in any of my thoughts.
- I am always disappointed with myself and my negativity leaves no room for success.
- I honestly feel terrible about myself, and I’m worried that I’m regressing since these are the kinds of thoughts that fueled my suicide attempt last year.
- In addition to this (as if it wasn’t enough), the way I’ve interpreted other people’s actions and words have led to misunderstanding, conflict, and social isolation.
In Reality
We can’t possibly know what people are thinking (unless they tell us). We are not mind readers.
We can’t control someone else’s emotions or thoughts.
We are often our own worst critics.
Everything is NOT about you.
Stop taking things so personally!
You know, even though I can’t control what other people are thinking about me, I can control what I am thinking about myself. I do not have to be overcome by this cognitive distortion. I do not have to personalize everything.
Here’s How We Can Challenge Personalization
- Identify when you personalize. For me, it would be when I assumed that I’m not going to get hired, when I thought everyone was judging me at the gym, when I think my friend doesn’t love me anymore because she hasn’t texted, when I blame myself for the divorce, when I can’t seem to make any money and I believe it’s because I don’t have anything to offer, and when I automatically presume my friend is grumpy because he is unhappy with me.
- Determine if you have control over the situation or if you can control what other people are thinking. If you do have some control over the situation, great! You know you can make a plan and use some strategies to work on the situation when it pops up again in the future. But more often than not, you don’t have control over the circumstances, and you never have control of what other people think or do.
- Acknowledge that it is rarely one person’s fault. Relationships are complicated especially in marriage, where it takes two to make it and two to break it.
- Brainstorm logical reasons for what happened rather than blaming yourself right off the bat.…Yesterday, I might not have received an email from the company I applied to because they are inundated with applications and are trying to narrow the pool down before they respond to applicants.…If guys were actually staring at me at the gym, it was just a natural effect of me walking by. They probably had no thoughts whatsoever because they are focused on their airpods and their weights. Or they’re doing the guy thing and have no thoughts at all.…There are many reasons why my ex-husband and I divorced, and they are not all about me.…I’m possibly not making money because I’m looking in the wrong places or I just don’t know how to navigate the entrepreneurial world yet.…My friend could be grumpy because he just worked a 15-hour day or because his back is killing him.
- Ask yourself, “Am I truly responsible for how others feel or act?” A resounding NO is the answer to that.
- Question whether there is a fairer way to look at the situation. Negative thoughts are like a bully: they will keep on coming if we keep on giving in to them. Now that I am challenging what I thought yesterday, I realize that
“I have just as much of a right and chance to this job as anyone else. Even if I don’t have certain skills, I have other equally useful skills. Who knows why they haven’t reached out? I need to be patient.”
“I have just as much of a right to be at the gym as anyone else. I can’t control what other people are thinking. But I CAN control what I am thinking about myself. And it is neither fair nor kind to think that I am ugly and fat. A fairer way to think is to acknowledge that my body is not where I want it to be right now, but I am healthy, I am alive, and I am able to do things to change it.”
“My friend has said she loves me very much, and she’s proven it many times. I need to believe her. If I am concerned, I can easily reach out to her and just ask.”
“Just because my marriage didn’t work out doesn’t mean that I am a terrible person or that I’m a failure. I have a lot of love to give and many things to offer in future relationships. I need to be patient and heal from this.”
“I haven’t made money yet because I am in the learning stage and these things take time.”
“I can’t control my friend’s grumpiness or happiness. My food and my efforts are sufficient.”
Final Thoughts
Sometimes, it’s easier to process these things by writing them down. You can find a worksheet here on testing your thoughts (which works for any cognitive distortion) as well as here, which specifically works through personalization.
Sometimes, it’s easier to remember things if we have a physical reminder. Grab a Q-TIP and attach it somewhere on your purse or on your person. Whenever there is a situation where you might be using personalization, look at the Q-TIP and remember to Quit Taking It Personal!
Remember, in reality
- We can’t possibly know what people are thinking (unless they tell us). We are not mind readers.
- We can’t control someone else’s emotions or thoughts.
- We are often our own worst critics.
- Everything is NOT about you.
If any of this resonates with you, feel free to share!