Sometimes the depression creeps back in.
Sometimes the anxiety overwhelms and paralyzes me.
Sometimes I feel like I am all alone and I have no future and the fear and sadness submerge me in their darkness.
Sometimes I know I should fight, but I just don’t have the energy.
Sometimes it’s really hard to love myself since everything cries out to me that it’s all my fault, that I don’t deserve happiness or love, that I provide no value.
Sometimes the lies are just too much.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today memories of my therapist, Jon, and his wise words have been reverberating in my head (or trying to!). He would say, “Rachel, ok, these feelings are all valid. You have no control over your circumstances. What do you have control over?”
So, as I was combing through some of my paperwork from therapy and trying to remind myself that there are things I can control, I came across one of my old coping strategies I used to do. One of my other therapists used to lead me through envisioning “my safe place.” I was reminded that perhaps visualizing a safe and happy place would be a good way to relieve some of my current painful thoughts and feelings. The following exercise, in italics, is by Carol Vivyan at GetSelfHelp:
“All visualizations can be strengthened by ensuring you engage all your senses in building the picture in your mind’s eye – it’s more than just ‘seeing’!
If you notice any negative links or images entering your positive imagery, discard that image and think of something else. Avoid using your home (or bed) as a ‘safe place.’ You can create a new ‘safe place’ in your imagination.
- Start by getting comfortable in a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed, and take a couple of minutes to focus on your breathing, close your eyes, become aware of any tension in your body, and let that tension go with each out-breath.
- Imagine a place where you can feel calm, peaceful and safe. It may be a place you’ve been to before, somewhere you’ve dreamed about going to, somewhere you’ve seen a picture of, or just a peaceful place you can create in your mind’s eye.
I actually have two places. One place is a sea cove that my ex-husband and I discovered in our wanderings around Curaçao. Another is a vision of a small glade or clearing in a forest. My mind, for whatever reason, typically goes to the sea cove when I am going through painful medical procedures, which have been many. The imagery allows me to dial down the pain to something manageable. (Unfortunately, this imagery reminds me of my ex-husband, so it has become too painful to use.) The forest glade, on the other hand, has been my go-to when I am overcome with my emotions of fear, sadness, hopelessness, and anxiety.
- Look around you in that place, notice the colours and shapes. What else do you notice?
Sea Cove: I notice the teal and brilliant blue colors of the Caribbean as well as the white foam gathered in the waves crashing against the shore. The slate gray cliffs surround the cove like guards in front of a magical place no one else has seen. The billowy sand beckons me to lie in it and stare mesmerized at the dynamic scene.
Forest Glade: I immediately notice the incredible hues of green surrounding me. The light green of the grasses, the tawny green of the taller reeds, and the darker green of the canopy. I see the sunshine glaring brightly on the clearing, like nature’s very own spotlight. Pops of pink, purple, yellow, white and blue dot the grass full of wildflowers. I’m stilled by the birds cavorting in the reeds and the butterflies flitting nonchalantly in the open. I lean against the one tree left standing in the glade and let myself soak in the sensations of peace and safety and contentment.
- Now notice the sounds that are around you, or perhaps the silence. Sounds far away and those nearer to you. Those that are more noticeable, and those that are more subtle.
Sea Cove: A crashing, endless roar sounds from the ocean, the cove acting as a natural acoustic concert hall. If I lose myself in the sound, I cannot hear the pain which dims in comparison. No words are spoken because they would be lost.
Forest Glade: The birds twittering, the bees buzzing, the wind slightly whistling in the treetops…sounds that sing that everything is right with the world. Unknown creatures rustle in the grass. The call of nature calms my anxious heart, reminding me that there is no space for fear and pain and sadness here.
- Think about any smells you notice there.
Sea Cove: Smells of salt and heated sand accost me.
Forest Glade: The delicious scents of spring rain, loamy earth, honeysuckle juice, and pungent greenery meld and wrap around me like a blanket.
- Then focus on any skin sensations – the earth beneath you or whatever is supporting you in that place, the temperature, any movement of air, anything else you can touch.
Sea Cove: Cool mist tickles my skin as I stand at the water’s edge and heat waves undulate over me as I slowly back away. The sand is gritty between my toes. Frothy ripples of water clean them off.
Forest Glade: Bugs skitter off of me, reminding me they’re there but not biting or stinging me. The rough bark of the tree digs into my back muscles and the grass feels like an almost-wet carpet. The breeze ruffles my hair and the sunshine beats its warmness into me.
- Notice the pleasant physical sensations in your body whilst you enjoy this safe place.
Both places evoke a feeling of immense peace in me. Of aloneness that is enriching and not scary. Of quiet and yet full of nature’s symphony. Of healing. Of goodness. Of something belonging to everyone and yet is just my own.
- Now, while you’re in your peaceful and safe place, you might choose to give it a name, whether one word or a phrase that you can use to bring that image back, anytime you need to.
- You can choose to linger there a while, just enjoying the peacefulness and serenity. You can leave whenever you want to, just by opening your eyes and being aware of where you are now, and bringing yourself back to alertness in the ‘here and now’.”
What is your safe space/happy place today?