Do you remember when we talked about cognitive distortions in Cognitive Distortions Parts 1 and 2? Cognitive distortions are a conglomeration of different patterns of thinking which negatively impact our mental health. Should Statements is one of the cognitive distortions that I struggle with the most, so I thought it would be a good idea to break this down for those of you who might grapple with it too.
WHAT ARE SHOULD STATEMENTS?
We have all thought them, heard them, said them.
I should be more successful by now.
I shouldn’t think such bad thoughts.
I must make dinner every night to be a good wife and mother.
I must be good for God to love me.
I should not make mistakes.
I shouldn’t complain so much.
Should Statements, at least for me, seem to always come from me. I am my own worst critic. But Should Statements can also come from other people. Things like…
A parent saying, “You should make straight A’s or you’ll never amount to anything.”
A pastor/priest saying, “You must repent, or you’ll go to hell.”
A church member saying, “You should never have sex outside of marriage or you’ll be cursed.”
A co-worker saying, “You should have more faith. If you had more faith, you would be healed by now.”
Society saying, “Women shouldn’t be sexual, men should be masculine, children should be seen and not heard, etc.”
I recognize that a lot of my own Should Statements stem from things I have been fed my whole life from religion and society. A lot of yours probably do too.
WHY SHOULD STATEMENTS SUCK
It’s crazy, but I hear Should Statements in my head ALL THE TIME. One of my good therapists, Jon Burch, used to say to me, “If you keep shoulding yourself, you’re going to feel shitty.” And I do. Having this relentless “I should do this, I should be this way, I should be better, this shouldn’t be so hard for me” ping ponging in my head causes me so much internal anguish.
Should Statements Lead to Perfectionism
It’s not just about being a Type A personality or being the oldest kid in the family, though these things do influence perfectionism. It’s also about what we tell ourselves we should be or do. When I was a teenager, I obsessed over getting perfect grades (for my teachers and parents), being skinny (for my dad), becoming the best volleyball player on the regional team (for my parents), and being godly (for God and my church family). At a subconscious level, I believed my dad (who had abandoned us when I was 12) would want to come back if I was just good enough. And since I wasn’t good enough (proof was that he was still gone), I had to be perfect.
The obvious problem though is that it is impossible to be perfect.
For me, at least, the need to be perfect at everything is also about the need to feel in-control, to feel validated and loved. It’s not enough for me to just do well, I must do it perfectly well. I can’t just perform typically, I have to perform exceptionally. I must avoid mistakes at all costs or I’ll face rejection and judgment. If I’m not perfect, then people will not love me.
At best, perfectionism and Should Statements cause anxiety; at its worse, they lead to self-loathing.
Should Statements Cause Anxiety
Should Statements fed my fear of not being good enough and not deserving love. I couldn’t be perfect, which heightened my anxiety and generated enormous amounts of stress. This continued through college and adulthood. I expected things of myself that no one else did. I often felt like I couldn’t breathe and my fear of failure just fueled the cycle of being told/telling myself that I should be a certain way in order to be accepted and affirmed. My yearning for love was not enough to make me perfect though because being perfect is an unrealistic expectation of ourselves. It is something that can never be achieved and thus shouldn’t even be an option for us.
Should States Generate Low Self-Esteem
I became a pathological critic of myself. No matter how outrageous my expectations of myself were, they always seemed true. And when I couldn’t reach those unreachable heights, I inevitably blamed myself, judged myself, castigated myself and accepted whatever judgment others placed on me too. I hated myself, constantly wishing I was someone else, someone better. I still struggle with this! Historically, I haven’t been able to accept other people’s love for me, because I haven’t been able to love myself.
I shoulded so much that I honestly felt shittier than shit.
SHOULDA, WOULDA, COULDA
My low-self-esteem-of-epic-proportions obviously doesn’t just stem from me saying Should Statements all the time. It runs much deeper. But it ultimately led to me trying to take my life last September. I am still trying to pick up the pieces, sort through them, and figure out how I can not only live with myself but love myself too. I want to look back at my life and rearrange the events and circumstances and environment so that I didn’t have so many things stacked against me. I want to go inside my child brain and re-wire all those things that were said to me and that I said to myself. I want to just naturally love myself enough so that I wouldn’t even think about “offing” myself. But honestly…our thoughts and core beliefs about ourselves and the world are shaped by so many things. It wasn’t just one thing that made me this way…it was dozens of things, some I may not even be aware of. It would be impossible to take away even one of them and guarantee that I would have seen myself differently.
At the risk of sounding cliché, I recognize we are all on a journey. This one is mine. And it’s time that I owned it and took control of something that I can control, which in this case, is learning how NOT to say Should Statements to myself.
WHAT WE CAN CONTROL
- Reframe the things that we say to ourselves.
If you catch yourself using language like expect, demand, have to, must, ought to, and should, try using a different word in place of these other words. Words like desire, prefer, would like to, wish, favor, want are all preferable to should.
For example, instead of thinking, “I should make sure the house is always clean,” say, “I would like make sure the house is always clean.”
Instead of saying “I should make a 6-figure salary by this point in my career,” replace it with, “I want to be making a 6-figure salary by this point in my career.”
By replacing the should language, we take some of the pressure off our backs while at the same time giving us room to take ownership and make better choices. We can even shift our Should Statements to goals that we set for ourselves. This is much more helpful and uplifting than pointing judgmental fingers at ourselves.
Perhaps you don’t struggle with Should Statements from yourself as much as you have other people in your life who tell you what you should and shouldn’t do. Believe it or not, we don’t just have to say, “Ok” and then take on their Should Statements.
My therapist once said, “Rachel, you don’t have to deal with that kind of judgment…from yourself or from others.”
“Well, what am I supposed to say to them then, Jon?” I queried.
He smiled his conspiratorial smile and said, “Tell them ‘thank you, that is an interesting perspective.’ Or if you aren’t feeling particularly polite, respond with “Well, that’s one perspective!”
And you know what? It works.
2. Don’t make comparisons!
I know the struggle is real. We can’t help comparing ourselves to “everyone else out there” who is happy and successful and adulting like they have their shit together. You’ve heard it before I’m sure, but I can’t emphasize enough that social media LIES. Those friends on Facebook only smile the good stuff, I promise.
For me, I really struggle with comparing myself to my sister and my two female cousins. All of them have careers and husbands and children and homes and income (my sister also has a farm and a dog-breeding business!) Somehow, they juggle everything (and still manage to read books and go on walks!) and I have often thought, “I should be like that too!” Only, it honest-to-God gives me a headache just thinking about how busy they are. I am too easily overwhelmed and my physical body is unable to handle all of the things that they face. (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and depression are like, “Nope!”)
The point is (well, many points could be made about this, but whatever) that we need to be concentrating on what we do well and let other people worry about their own performances. Instead of comparing ourselves to Facebook friends or TikTok gurus or beloved family members, let’s compare ourselves only to who we were yesterday. That seems so much more reasonable and manageable, don’t you think?
3. Conquer our inner critic (and by this, I mean accept who we are)
Instead of who we should be and what we must do and what we shouldn’t think, focus on what you can do rather than indulge in theoretical Should Statements.
- Remind yourself that it is impossible to be perfect. Give yourself space to be imperfect.
- Argue with yourself if you need to! When you catch a should statement in your brain or on your tongue, it is ok to tell that part of you to “shut up! Get off my back! Screw you, etc.” And then replace that should statement with something more reasonable.
- Affirm your worth! I can’t emphasize this enough. Every time we fall into the Should Statement trap, we are kicking ourselves when we are already down, we are setting ourselves up for failure, and we are feeding into the belief that we are not worthwhile because we can’t measure up. Therapist Jon, nearly had to beat me over the head before this sunk in, but our value is not wrapped up in what we do. Our value comes from our consciousness, our aliveness, our ability to perceive and experience. We are worthwhile simply because we live and breathe and feel.
WRAPPING UP
For me, I am trying to listen to Jon (who seems to live in my head these days). I’m treating myself like I matter. I’m catching myself thinking and saying Should Statements, and then telling myself, “I’m doing the best I can to survive and thrive in this moment.” I might set a goal or I might just accept where I am in the moment. I am a perfect work in progress. And so are you.