Thoughts on Therapists

I have a new therapist.

I seem to go through them like a kid who has a new stash of Halloween candy, or like a washing machine or dryer that eats socks. At this point, I’ve easily seen dozens of therapists.

I promise I don’t just discard them willy-nilly. And I’m not just being a difficult client. Finding a new therapist is honestly like being on a dating app. You see someone you think you’ll like, and after one date, you realize “Hell no.” Or you and the therapist get along, but life just happens, and one or both of you have to move on, even if you don’t want to.

REASONS I’VE LOOKED FOR A THERAPIST IN THE PAST

Oh lord, I could write a book about this (I guess I did with my memoirs, Waltzing with Elephants). Essentially, I’m traumatized, anxiety-riddled, and depressed. Oh, and medicated.

You know, like everyone else.

• Early on, I started out needing someone to just talk to about things I was afraid of/embarrassed to talk to others about. My first therapists were church leaders and mentors.
• Life transitioned after I moved back to the States from teaching overseas, and the reverse culture shock was way harder than I ever imagined. I was also facing a faith crisis. So, that’s when I saw my first real therapist.
• My dad committed suicide, and a whole host of things happened in 2016. I was functioning normally on the outside, but I was a disaster on the inside. Docs started recognizing that I needed help managing my panic attacks/anxiety, so they referred me to therapists again.
• More traumatic events kept piling on top of each other after 2016, essentially snowballing. I didn’t know how to grieve or cope, but I recognized without a doubt that I needed help. So this time, I was the one who specifically reached out to therapists. This is when I no longer wanted to talk about things, though; I just wanted to learn how to fix them.
• After varying experiences with therapists, I became disenfranchised with therapy and was sick and tired of the whole thing.
• When I started struggling with suicidal ideation, though, I didn’t know what else to do. Going to a therapist was one of the only lifelines I could see available to me, despite feeling like I was beyond help. So I did.
• After MUCH trial and error and many lessons learned, I have become picky at choosing a therapist and unrelenting in my quest to find help and healing. I just changed from one therapist because her schedule was not working for me, and now I am seeing a new one. My reasons for seeing him are a) to manage my diagnoses, b) receive practical support, c) brainstorm ways that I can work on myself, and d) process through trauma and its resulting core beliefs.

REASONS I’VE MOVED ON FROM A THERAPIST/ WHY I’VE HAD SO MANY

There have been quite a few reasons I’ve had to switch or change therapists.

Some reasons are just life getting in the way:

• Moving to a new location and all that entails. For example, I had a therapist in Georgia, but then I moved to Virginia and then I moved to DC and then I moved to Maryland and then I moved to South Carolina…each time I moved, I had to get a new therapist because a) I couldn’t physically get to the old one’s office and b) even if I opted for virtual counseling, laws restrict therapists from counseling in states that they are unlicensed in. Most therapists are only licensed in one or two states.
• Location again. If you live in a rural area or a smaller town, you have fewer therapist choices and maybe none at all. Or you live in another country and can’t find a therapist who speaks your language.
• Changing jobs and, therefore, health insurance. Not all therapists take insurance, and if they do, they might not take the one that you have.
• Financial straits. Maybe I have a job where I can make enough money to see a therapist who doesn’t take insurance. Not usually. Maybe I don’t have any money, and there are no therapists in my area who are free or offer sliding scale fees.
• Different types of therapy. Of course, just like doctors, you have therapists who are “general” practitioners, like social workers and Licensed Professional Counselors (LPCs). And they are helpful….until they aren’t. More complicated issues warrant more specialized therapists, and sometimes there is not a therapist in your area who is specialized in what you need. For example, you may be struggling with some life transitions, difficult choices, relationship hurdles, anxiety, and maybe some depression. Most therapists can deal with these issues. But if you are dealing with complex trauma, treatment-resistant depression, and PTSD, you are going to need a therapist who is specifically qualified in treating these more complicated issues. Obviously, you would not see a therapist specializing in addiction if your issue is grieving the loss of a parent.
• Growth. Sometimes, you outgrow your therapist and the kind of therapy they provide. For example, at one point, I needed someone to just listen to me talk. But then I got to the point where I needed someone to give me practical solutions for the problems I faced. And then my issues evolved into much more complicated matters, and I needed someone more qualified to help me process and manage them.
• Availability. Good luck finding a therapist these days who does not have a mile-long wait list and who can see you as often as you need.
• Poor office management. Some great therapists have just really shitty offices. Sometimes, dealing with office staff becomes so frustrating that you actually have to leave your therapist.
• Preferences, like gender, age, ethnicity, and religion. At this point, I’ve had really great and really terrible male and female therapists, so I don’t specifically look for one gender over another. I used to prefer just seeing other women, though. Some people like finding a therapist based on whether their faith aligns. For me, I don’t care if they are fanaticists or flat-earthers, so long as they don’t push it on me. I don’t have a preference for what skin color my therapist has, but some people feel more comfortable talking with someone they know “gets” their shared life experiences as an African American or as an immigrant. I also don’t care how old or young my therapist is, but I prefer meeting with someone who is more seasoned and more experienced with dealing with complex issues, rather than bright-eyed and bushy-tailed newbies out of school, even if they come with all the right credentials.
• Therapists are humans too. They move to different practices, retire, get a promotion, change careers, etc. I’ve always gotta find a new one when this happens.

Other reasons to switch therapists have been more nefarious.

I have had therapists:

• Try to give me therapy that is not within their wheelhouse (like telling me I just needed to be stronger, like Helen Keller, and not let my medical conditions affect my life because “you don’t have ALS for goodness sakes!” This therapist was neither a medical doctor nor someone who had prior experience helping a client who had chronic pain from a rare connective tissue disorder.)
• Give me bad advice (like telling me I just needed to make more friends to be happier when my dad had just committed suicide).
• Simply be ignorant. I’ve had a therapist who was trying to introduce Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to me, but could not actually explain or answer any of my questions about ACT.
• Treat me like I was just a number. The more patients they could see, the more their office could bill. My ex had a therapist who spent a grand total of 5 minutes with him before he diagnosed him with ADHD, wrote a prescription, and sent him out the door.
• Exhibit terrible bedside manners, just like some doctors. They might actually care about you, but if they don’t act like it, it’s hard to know they have your best interests at heart.

Truth be told:

• Some therapists are too clinical and not compassionate enough.
• Some therapists don’t really listen.
• Some therapists try to convert you in the process of helping you.
• Some therapists talk too much. A couple times I have thought to myself, “Wow, who is this therapy session for?”
• Some therapists talk too little. I personally do not want to just talk about my problems and get asked how I feel about them. I want there to be a conversation between myself and the therapist.
• Some therapists are like surgeons…they can be arrogant pricks.
• Some therapists come with biases.
• Some therapists have simply been unhelpful or made me feel worse after seeing them than I did beforehand. There are people out there who have even been traumatized by their therapists.

The reality is, sometimes you just don’t jive or connect with a therapist. And that is an ok reason to move on, too.

WHAT IS THE POINT, AFTER ALL THAT? WHY DO I STILL EVEN SEE A THERAPIST?

I will be honest. Finding a good therapist who is qualified to treat my complicated issues, who also takes my insurance, who also has time to add me to their schedule, and who also offers the type of therapy I need often seems like an insurmountable task. It is a lot of hard work and effort and I have spent hours and hours researching and searching for therapists every time I have to find a new one. It takes an awful lot of energy, especially when I am already feeling bad.

However, despite the bad apples in the bunch, therapists have been super helpful to me over the years. Therapy has not only changed my life but also saved it. There will be times when I am stronger and doing better, and I will feel confident and able to take a break from seeing a therapist. That’s always the goal, right? Sometimes seeing a therapist is almost as necessary as taking my medication, though. Both used to make me feel broken, but these days, when I take that handful of medication in the morning and the evening, and when I see yet another therapist, I just say, “Thank God I have this” because both help me live and manage my life in all of its complications and messiness.

WAYS THERAPY HAS HELPED ME AND IS CONTINUING TO HELP ME (AND WHY I STILL RECOMMEND IT!)

• When I just needed someone to talk to, and I didn’t know where else to turn, therapy provided that.
• Ironically, when I needed someone to tell me that I wasn’t crazy, that things weren’t just “in my head,” a therapist was the one who told me that as many times as I needed to hear it.
• Therapists have helped me navigate my fears and learn how to manage my diagnoses.
• Therapists have given me coping strategies to manage my anxiety and panic.
• Therapists have treated me like a human being and have reminded me that I have worth, in and of myself, and not based on how much I produce or how broken I am.
• When I needed practical solutions and someone to keep me accountable, therapists have stepped up.
• Therapists have helped me reframe the way that I think, shifting me from negative thought patterns to more realistic ones.
• Therapists have given me hope and reminded me that there is help out there.
• Therapists have helped me identify and understand my emotions.
• Therapists have taught me how to improve communication skills and set boundaries.
• Therapists have been instrumental in helping me process trauma.

FINAL MUSINGS

I’m always nervous about starting with a new therapist. Are they going to be a good fit? Are they going to traumatize me further?

I think my new therapist is wonderful and I am super grateful. He is very understanding and gentle, and he’s been using EMDR* to help me process trauma safely and effectively. He’s also helping me build my self-esteem.

I am sure at some point he’ll say or do something I don’t like, but that doesn’t mean I’ll automatically look for another therapist. Therapists are human and they make mistakes too, and I prefer to give them the benefit of the doubt, like I do everyone else.

But I’ve also been burned and self-preservation is strong inside me. If red flags start flapping, I’ll know it’s time to move on. Finding a therapist is not a guaranteed fix to your problems. You often have to sift the wheat for the flax (or whatever that saying is). But it does seem like a no-brainer way to try something that can and will hopefully help.

I feel like I should have a degree in therapy and therapists at this point!

Keep on keeping on, friends.Subscribed

*EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is a type of therapy used to help patients process trauma that has been forgotten, buried, or simply undealt with.