Why Mental Wellness: a Conversation Worth Having?

I am a complicated person and I’ve led a complicated life. I’ve lost a lot of precious things along the way, and I’ve acquired some that I don’t necessarily want to be carrying around. I’ve learned a lot of lessons and I’ve gained what I hope is some wisdom. I am incredibly blessed, though I struggle a lot, and I want to share some of what I’m discovering on this journey with you.

I am not a therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, or other mental health professional. I am simply a boring, straight, white American woman. I absolutely recognize that you do not need to listen to a word I say. I don’t have any grand epiphanies to explain or penetrating insight that you can’t find anywhere else. I’m just a normal person with a lot of normal problems (albeit, complicated ones) – probably a lot like you.

I have been to a LOT of therapy. I have been seeing individual therapists since I was in college, nearly 20 years ago. I have been a part of a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (“PTSD”) group therapy course that lasted for 3 months, and more recently, I’ve been in residential, Partial Hospitalization Program (“PHP”), and Intensive Outpatient Therapy (“IOP”) for the past 4 months. I’ve been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Persistent Depressive Disorder, anxiety, PTSD, and dissociative seizures. I’ve been through a lot of trauma. Not to mention I have chronic pain and fatigue from my connective tissue disorder, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (“EDS”), Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (“MCAS”), and Celiac Disease. I’m not sure which is worse…the physical conditions that put me in so much pain that I want to die, or the mental illnesses that also compel me to murder myself.

I’ve been pretty miserable for a long time now. My physical illnesses exacerbate my mental illnesses and my mental illnesses feed into my physical illnesses. It’s a never-ending cycle. I often feel like it’s unfair. I always feel like I have to work harder than everyone else just to function like a normal human being. My self-esteem is in the shit can, and I am no longer capable or competent to hold a traditional full-time job. Every day I fear injuring myself again because of my EDS, and many days I fear becoming like my dad who did take his own life.

Some days are better than others – and in all reality most days are just really hard. But I am probably in the best place mentally and emotionally that I’ve been in a long, long time. I want to share with you some of the things I’ve learned and the tools I’ve gained to take control of some of my life again. We have to hold on to the little things, the little moments, because life is made up of lots of little moments. “Mental Wellness: a Conversation Worth Having,” is for me and anyone else who is on a similar journey.